Information Overload and Writing Anxiety

I read a lot. I write too little. I neglect this blog.

Today, MEDIATE Art Group mentioned reading my blog via twitter (awesome strategy they have by the way, conecting with their followers through more than a "thanks for the follow!" tweet), and I felt so ashamed. I mean I haven't updated this thing in over a year!
I enjoy writing, but for some reason it cause me a bit of anxiety. More often than not, I start something in my journal or on a piece of paper and I never finish it, I think "this would be an awesome blog post, I have these and these questions, art admins would love to read about this..." but then, I go back to my notes and think "WTF am I talking about?" "no one wants to read this". So, by the time I get my "insecurities" in check, the information feels no longer relevant.

I read on average 4 or 5 interesting articles a day, I skim over many more than that and I always feel inspired but something I read. However, there is so much information, it is hard for me to sit down and just type what I think about it. It actually feels much easier to just talk about it, or just to tweet.

Every day I am getting better and better at writing in under 140 caracters. So is this constant push of newer and newer information hurting me?

More Art Please!

I have been going through a lot of transition lately. I know life is always shifting and that change is good and it allows you to grow, but I am tired of these growing pains. Right now I feel like I am reliving my awkward growth spur from middle school, when my arms and legs were longer than my torso and my tiny head was not only rocking an awful hairstyle, but was also the site of a zity face and a metal smile. Ugh! That was so painful morally and physically, but I built some strong character and a pretty good sense of humor.

What does my middle school humiliation have to do with Art? Well, that I’ve been searching to inject my life with more of it lately; that in search for meaning, comfort and some stable ground I have been seeking to experience more of those things that make me happy.

Art makes me happy. Experiencing, making, reading about and talking about art has always been food for my soul, and I need sustenance. So, in this quest to alleviate the growing pains and feed the soul, I have made it a point to go to as many "pleasurable" art events as I possibly can (I say pleasurable, because if you've ever worked in the arts, you know arts events start to feel like work and work is no fun).

So here I am, an arts enthusiast on a quest to go to at least one art event a week, which is a pretty easy self imposed task in San Francisco. In fact, I have more than one event lined up each week - yay me!

Guilt and my relationship to the arts...

I quit. Yes, after several years of working in the arts, I left my arts non-profit job and moved on to a radically different for-profit job. This decision was particularly difficult, as to me it meant not only changing careers, but also giving up the one thing I thought I knew about myself; and as every good catholic girl can attest, this decision was followed by a large amount of guilt.

Let me explain. I’ve been wanting to be an artist for as long as I can remember, and I’ve been wanting to make money for as long as I can remember. Case in point, not only was I drawing all the time at age 5, but I was also selling every single one of my drawings to anyone who would buy them for about 10c a piece. I had a pitch and a large pool of investors, pitch: “I will be famous one day and that drawing will be worth a lot of money," investors: my mom’s clients, co-workers, friends, anyone who would listen. (Dear Investors, I am so sorry this promise has not been met as of yet, but you know sometimes it takes an artists dying for his/her work to be valued. So have patience. - Bea)

There was no doubt in my mind that my career was going to follow a creative path and that this path would prove profitable. I studied Art History in college and dreamt of working in a Museum, of writing prominent and highly regarded books, of appearing as an interviewed expert on the History Channel, of auctioning pieces in Sotheby’s, hanging work in the walls of galleries and hosting openings galore.

After college, work in social service sparked my interest in arts and community building,which led me to a job in Arts Administration, a field that seemed perfect for me, that allowed me to use my obsessive organization skills to support the cause I believed in. Arts administration was going to allow me to channel the passion I have nurtured since childhood; the one thing I felt was ME. According to little old me, step one to dream fullfilment. Done.

So, it was as you can imagine hard to find myself increasingly frustrated and unhappy; working in what I considered an inefficient system where long hours and incredible talent often translates to barely making rent. A part of my soul died - I know this is dramatic, but it did. I need to bring this part back to life, because this part feels defeated, takes responsibility for not being able to “stick with it,” envies every single arts worker that has been able to thrive and whose passion keeps them around - adding more guilt, and feels awful to admit that I am happy at my obviously not community or arts oriented job.

This part needs healing. I didn’t realize how bitter I was becoming towards the arts until recently. The last months that led to me leaving my job, I had stopped caring, I resented arts events, I stopped blogging (not that I was an extremely active blogger, but still), and was even allowing for this negativity to afect the parts of my job that I really enjoyed; including my participation as a fellow with the Emerging Arts Professionals/SFBA. An organization I joined because I wanted to advocate for artists and arts workers, an organization I admire and I am happy to be a part of.

The truth is, I felt defeated and confused. I held and still hold too much of my personality and love for arts to this one job and I am allowing my feeling of defeat over this taint my love for the field. The truth is, that I am young enough to leave the arts and not kill my dreams. I can leave, learn great skills and come back, serve on the board of an organization, make tons of $$$ and become a patron of the arts, support my friends, deepen my involvement in places I believe in etc.

This week I made a decision. No more bitter me. So what if it didn’t work out! That doesn’t mean I suck, or I make poor decisions, or I am a quitter or that the arts suck. It just mean it didn’t work out and my passion for something, my dreams of something don’t begin nor end with a job.

What is this new model?

If you aren't up to your ears in lectures, publications, conversations and panels about new models, then you've been living under a rock. It seems like I can't go one day without hearing about the "new model," this silver bullet that will save the arts; but what is this "new model"?

I think every single arts professional agrees, that today, more than ever, it is critical for artists and organizations to change. Indeed, this economic climate has provided the perfect back drop for the word CHANGE, after all, it was our current models, both for-profit and non-profit, that got us into this mess. However, for all this talk about change, there is little talk, or at least little clear and concise talk, about how.

I am jazzed to be living in this time of change and different forms of thinking; and although I love reconstructing, questioning and critiquing the current state of affairs, I am growing increasingly frustrated at the lack of solutions. I am not expecting people to say: "here is the solution that will save us all!" but I do think that we are having conversations ad nauseum about what we are doing wrong and not enough conversations about what we are doing right and how to .

Recently, I attended a panel at the Foundation Center called "Investing in Our people: How We Support our Arts and Culture Workers and Strengthen the Field" and although the focus of the panel was not necessarily about new models, the conversation quickly went into social capital and sustainability. I was impressed by the diversity in opinions from the speakers and really interested in their perspective, it was great to hear their passion and to see them engage in heated conversation. Although I enjoyed the panel, I felt exactly what I describe above. Yes, we are at a critical juncture, yes we need to change, , yes traditional for-profit and non-profit models are flawed, yes there are cool hybrid models out there yes, yes, yes....But now what? How do we translate these business hybrid models into models for arts organizations/ventures? What will that entail? How can we move from a predominantly charity based model into a profit generating venture without losing our mission? and most importantly What is the risk? and are we willing or even capable of taking it?

I understand how intrinsically tied we are to our "routines" and how difficult it is to break a cycle and even more so to re-invent an industry; but all this talk about change is making me actually want to see the change. I obviously don't have answers to these important questions, and I don't know if someone out there does...yet, but I do know that however hard, infuriating or "trendy" these conversations are, we need to have them, because without them, we will never find a solution. Perhaps this is a little like AA, step one: acknowledging you have a problem.

Experienced, Emerging and all of us "In Betweeners"

I think I am coining a new term, a term I mostly want to use to describe myself: "in betweener." I guess this means not quite new yet not quite there.

I realized shortly after accepting a promotion and a change in title, from coordinator to manager, that I was no longer entry level; but having been entry level for less than a year I didn't quite feel like a manager. I'm aware that my tittle is somewhat inflated, and that for a long time I transitioned by doing part of my old job and part in my new job, but its hard not to feel trapped by tittles, and its even harder for the ego not to inflate and gloat...manager.

Now, almost a year into my current position, I have reached this state of 'in between" where I have left all my entry level newness behind, but have failed to really achieve management level. Yes, I do think I manage my program well, but when faced with great challenges all I want to do is play the inexperienced card and cry to mom. In addition, when presenting myself to others, I am often deemed either too experienced or too inexperienced and I don't really know where I fit.

Honestly, I wonder if there is a measurement, a clear indication that you are no longer green, but mature. Is it age? Is it experience? Is it that all of the sudden you are there, and you know that you are ripe for the taking? And what is it about the in betweeners? What happened/happens to us? Are we like the banana in the market, not quite ripe enough for you to buy, not on the stem growing maturing, but there waiting, just waiting...

You want to talk to me?

I recently received an email from a colleague at a similar Arts Organization; she wants to meet me over coffee to talk about ways to improve their membership program. I read the email twice, yep it says me, yep she says someone told her to contact me, yep she wants MY expertise.

I am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that, someone possibly my age or only a few years younger than me, wants to get my expert advice, specially because I don't feel like an expert. I guess I am stuck in the word expertise, which is something difficult for me to associate with since I am new to the field. Really you want to talk to ME?

It is silly for me to feel inadequate and to wrongfully assume that peers can't provide mentorship to one another. In fact, this reminded of a panel I attended at the Emerging Arts Professionals, "Omni-Directional Mentorship: Going Beyond Yoda", which aimed conversation at redefining traditional concepts of mentorship and stressing the importance of of mentoring at every level: senior to junior, junior to senior and peer to peer.

I can do this....

Ok, I am feeling a bit more confident now "I can be a peer to peer mentor." But even the word mentor scares me. I guess part of me worries that the information I can provide is less than perfect; that when asked for solutions, for a path to creating a membership program I will choke. This fear stems in part due to the fact that I am a newbie, but mostlty because I have done all my work on a basis of trial and error. How do you teach that? How do you say - while sounding like a competent professional, there is no clear formula/ recipe I used on my job, I just tossed a bunch of stuff around and came out with this?

I know it seems silly to worry about not being helpful to someone who is asking for a favor and probably doesn't expect much in return; but I believe that thinking about my position in the field (definitely emerging), and my knowledge base is a good thing, and since receiving the email, I've been doing just that. I have been thinking more in depth about what I do and have done, and this has helped me tremendously, not only to prepare for the meeting, but also to, in spite of my age and position, feel good about myself.

I recommend this little internal exercise to everybody, regardless of industry and age. Analyze what you do, ask yourself why you do it, think about things you have done that made you proud, and things you have done that no one else in your position would have done. Asking myself these questions made me feel confident and happy, and I think these are important "pats in the back", celebrations that both emerging and established workers need to move forward.

Is Social Media Creating Community or Destroying it?

About 2 months ago, I found someone on my Facebook "friends" list and I had no idea who they were. Of course, I did what any sensible 20 something would do: I virtually stalked them. I went through all their photos and friends and after almost 10 minutes, I was still scratching my head "who is this?" After much thought, I remembered we once had a French class Junior Year. Wow, I never talked to this person, and now thanks to Facebook, I know almost too much about their life and interests, all without even having one single meaningful conversation with them. This is creepy and sad.

I realized then, that I have a handful of people in my "friend" list whose life I follow tangentially and who only exist to me online. These are not long lost friends who live far and with whom I communicate online because its easier no, these are people who I couldn't care less about, whose lives I follow merely because of curiosity and who I would never meet for coffee, because I have better things to do. Again, this is sad. I could seriously never leave my room, never have a "real" conversation with these people and still somehow magically be tunned to their lives and have them magically tunned into mine (tho if I was locked in a room it wouldn't be much of a life). In this way, in spite of being all alone in a room I would never really feel lonely, because I would have an online community to keep me company; but is that really community?

Now, I am not saying Facebook is the devil, nor am I saying that online relationships are wrong. I love Facebook and all social media for that fact. Love it! Mostly for its capability to keep me close to Friends and loved ones, but is Facebook making me lazy? Is it making me neglect relationships because I can "like" a post in 2 seconds and feel "in touch," comment on a photo instead of making a phone call and chatting instead of going to get coffee?

I guess what social media is doing is redefining the idea of community, but is that a good thing? Are virtual communities and relationships just as satisfying as real ones? Are virtual communities replacing "real" communities?

I think Facebook can replace real communities and real relationships if we let it. The possibility that an online platform can take the place of real life is all in our hands, and for my part, I much rather find out about someone's life through a long a meaningful conversation, and have coffee with a true friend than poke them on Facebook. However, my virtual community is indeed making me lazy, I know that the easy access to my friends is making me forget that I do miss them and that I do want to pick up the phone and talk to them, and that although browsing through their vacation photos make me feel as if I was there, that, will never replace the feeling of them explaining to me what that vacation was like.

I think social media is both creating and destroying community, but the power of sites such as Facebook lay in the hand of the users. I for one will not let Facebook replace my relationships, but will rather use it to enhance them.

After my run in with that mystery "friend" I deleted all those whose relation to me was superficial at best, and I am making coffee and phone dates. I want community in real life, and its up to me to get it.